Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Just the way it is.

I really don't like my life right now. I do not make a good invalid. I am cranky, sad, bored, numb, angry, calm, sedate, patient, anxiety-ridden, happy, annoyed and all in the space of maybe 5 minutes. 

It is just a tight rope and I am walking it the best I can. Getting the call that they saw something on the mammogram they didn't like just about did it. I did not handle this news with one iota of grace. I talked to 4 family/friends and got the advice to pray and meditate. Sorry but right now I am too busy being royally pissed off at the creator. Smite me o mighty smiter! And I swear to God if another person tells me the God won't give me more than I can handle, I will just never speak to them again. Seriously, lay off telling me to rely on God and pray, okay? The thing is God and I get along just fine. I'm just slouching towards Bethlehem and I do that imperfectly. I have moments when I feel as close as you can and moments when I am just not there with it at all.

I wish I was brave. I wish I was fearless. I wish I was well.

26 comments:

renzmqt said...

::big cyber hug:: If I had magic I'd whisk you up here for an afternoon in the woods with the dogs and a roaring fire, cook you some good food, and tell stories. Hell, if I had magic I knock the living shit out of what ails you and THEN whisk you up here.

StLouisJohn said...

And I'd knock the shit out of anyone who issues that bumper sticker response about what God gives you. That is so dismissive, I could spit nails right along with you.

Much love, hugs, and prayer from here. I need you lady!

John

suzanne said...

Pissy, angry, sad, all the rest is good. It means your alive and fighting.

HUGS from across the miles,

not so saintly Sue.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Roseann, I am so sorry. I'll pray for you and post a prayer request for you at my blog.

I couldn't meditate after getting that news. I'd be wild and crazy. Prayer communities are around to pray for us when we can't pray for ourselves.

Blessings and love to you.

themethatisme said...

if another person tells me the God won't give me more than I can handle

Dreadful isn't it, I was advised a few weeks ago that God must have something really big in mind for me if the devil was making me so ill. There are moments when I could cheerfully dispense with my gneral non-violent stance.

I wish you patience in the torments.

Counterlight said...

I don't know if this is much help, but my father died 9 years ago of lung cancer. He never smoked, so this was a big surprise. He was not a very religious man, and actually didn't mind the absurdity of it. Whatever was the cause of his cancer, at least it wasn't his "fault" or his "sin" that brought it on. It was nothing he did. It was a simple fact of mortality as far as he was concerned.

As for getting angry with God, I say go for it. As Jacob wrestled with the angel (and would have won if the angel hadn't cheated), keep fighting until you get some satisfaction.

Continuing prayers from this end.

Arkansas Hillbilly said...

{{{{Roseann}}}}

I'm still praying for you too. And you still owe me a coffe date if you ever get up this way!

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Roseann--I just now got the same call you did. Must be the day for it...

If I thought God handed out stuff like this just to see how we handled it, I'd tell God to go screw Himself. With a rusty farm implement.

Be kind to yourself. When life sucks so hard, it's really the only holy response.

Pax,
Doxy

terri c said...

Trundled back across the pond from the Mad Priest to give you a word of encouragement. God gives us more than we can handle by ourselves ALL THE TIME. (I'm a hospice chaplain, I have proof.) We need friends who can rant and rave with us, hug us, make us stiff drinks if we like, bring us chocolate if we like, make us laugh, and just hang with us in the rough times. Not religious platitudes. I see you have a bunch of 'em here in the internet. Wish we could all be with you today in body as well as spirit. Prayers for your well-being are headed Godward.

kehf said...

It's not your fault, no one deserves to have all this piled on them.

I think that God's a big ol' softie and can take whatever you dish out in the anger department.

And people who think that God would 'give' you something like this to carry should really just get over themselves.

Here's a link to my current favorite song: http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/creek-nickel/doubting-thomas-16069.html I only linked to the lyrics because the one you tube video I found doesn't really do the song justice.

Lindy said...

You don't know me. I'm over from MP's and Mimi's. I'm just one of the prayers. Hang in there.

Lindy

And, maybe get something you can throw at those do-gooders and their advice. Shoe throwing is popular now-a-days I think.

Tracie the Red said...

I wish you had your wishes!!

E H Culver said...

Last December my gynecologist saw something he thought needed checking out. It turned out to be ok, but the waiting for results was tough.

Prayers, thoughts, good vibes are with you.
Keep us updated.

EHC

Lynn said...

Roseanne,

Popping over from the Mad One's village to send you good wishes from Norther Virginia. Damn, people say some stupid things about illness, don't they? I was the caregiver for someone on a transplant list, I remember all the trauma with every unrelated illnesses, etc. on every level. Trust me, I saw no sign that new burdens were easier for him (or me) to bear after the big one.

Darlin', you can't be strong all the time and no one should expect that from you. God sure doesn't, I promise.

DanG said...

I will put you on our Convocation prayer list. (5 tiny congregations in South Eastern Oregon) What Mimi said, I second. Be pissed, scream, swear, and whatever you can do to get the anger out. Peace and Love.

Br. John said...

{{{{{Roseann}}}}}

You be just as pee'd off as you like ... you've earned the right. We Love You.

Me

susan s. said...

(((((Roseann)))))

Two Auntees said...

Love and prayers for you.

gramma lee said...

This is Renz's Mom, Lee. I'm sending a big cyber hug as well. I, too, wish Renz could whisk you up to log house in the woods. It's a peaceful place....except when my four grand-puppies all start to bark at the same time. Thank goodness bunnies are quiet. Thinking of you. Lee

Tracie the Red said...

Roseann, I'm sending out strong healing energy thoughts to you right now (9.22pm Friday 13 Feb). I don't have a Facebook page so I have to note here. Boatloads of positive energy to you. Hope you'll be back soon!

Joan said...

[[[[[ROSEANN]]]]] Go ahead and be angry. God has broad shoulders! And tell the idiots to pound sand!!

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Just wanted to check back in and tell you that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Pax,
Doxy

Göran Koch-Swahne said...

All the best!

and Prayers ascending!

just another duck on the pond said...

indeed, i threw a plate at the wall to honor you and share your fighting spirit--fight on, sister! i am standing in the gap!

mark h said...

Hang in there.

Janis Bland said...

I'm late, but I've been thinking about you. {{Roseann}}