It is just a tight rope and I am walking it the best I can. Getting the call that they saw something on the mammogram they didn't like just about did it. I did not handle this news with one iota of grace. I talked to 4 family/friends and got the advice to pray and meditate. Sorry but right now I am too busy being royally pissed off at the creator. Smite me o mighty smiter! And I swear to God if another person tells me the God won't give me more than I can handle, I will just never speak to them again. Seriously, lay off telling me to rely on God and pray, okay? The thing is God and I get along just fine. I'm just slouching towards Bethlehem and I do that imperfectly. I have moments when I feel as close as you can and moments when I am just not there with it at all.
I wish I was brave. I wish I was fearless. I wish I was well.