Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Incredible Lightness of Lonely

Yesterday I had a feeling of restless discontent. Something was wrong but I didn't know what it was or what to do about it. To add to it my blood pressure was unusually high and that made my head ache.

It finally came to me that I am lonely. Gary's mother is here for Christmas and I'm spending a lot of time with her but most of that is spent in a kind of awkward silence. We just don't have anything to talk about and what ever topic does come up always becomes something about her, her past, her school kids. I miss my own mother.

My husband works all the time. If he's not at the store he's working at home for his internet clients. If he's not working he's sleeping.  I miss my husband.

I dialyze three times a week and see the same people every time. Unless I don't. Unless they've been put in the hospital or have died. I miss my health.

I have all the answers here. Get out, join a this or that, go to this or that meeting, volunteer, etc. etc. Easy to do when you have your health. 

I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Do I keep blogging? Do I keep posting? 

7 comments:

Janis Bland said...

Of course you keep blogging and posting!

Lonliness is an interesting thing, I think. To me lonliness is negative, but being alone is neutral, and can be turned positively for peace and quiet.

I empathize about your MIL. Strangely, since Dad became ill, I have a hard time holding a conversation with either him or Mom. I just run out of things to say, and feel like I should be doing something to entertain them.

But back to the point: please keep blogging. You have lots of eyeballs being virtual ears.

{{HUGS!!}}

toujoursdan said...

I hope you keep blogging too. You are one of the most compassionate and thoughtful bloggers I know.

suzanne said...

I think your answer is in this community.

Pat - An Arkansas Stamper said...

Please keep blogging. Although you feel like your words may only be going to "the great nothingness," you never know when someone (like me) will run across your site and get the blessing for which they have been praying.

StLouisJohn said...

Please keep blogging and posting!

Roseann, your friendship is very dear to me. And very special, because you've truly shown me forgiveness for my past transgressions, as well as nudge me in the right direction when I am "led into temptation." That is the definition of a real friend, and that is a definition of your friendship.

Alas, Christmas time. End of year. By human habit, we reflect on what was, what could have been, what has happened, and what is happening. You've had a really rough year. And you've slogged through it, showing a grit and determination that is inspiring, to say the least.

And you have every right to pause and catch your breath, steel yourself for what is yet to come.

I can empathize with the loneliness, Anymore, I rarely go out, and even rarer, get together with friends. It's just where I'm at in life. Because of that, these cyber friendships are especially important to me, and your friendship is a key friendship. And I *DO* want to meet in person sometime! Alas, I cannot get time off work until sometime next year (ugh).

With much love, gentle thoughts, and prayer from my four-legged family and me to you and yours,

John

suzanne said...

See? I told you so....

Love and Big Hugs.

S

susan s. said...

Roseann,

Did you get a comment from me? I sent one.